thoughts on thirty-six

To begin with, I give thanks that fortunately, I am in great health and have abundant energy which I drain completely in raising children, maintaining a home, and meeting the demands of my career.

I do notice that I’m preoccupied with the metaphysical like never before. Can it be that every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you? Isn’t that wild to consider?

We were once one.

I read the children’s science homework and I’m reminded of the fact that everything has a place, a purpose. Surely then, so must I. But what is it — what is my purpose? Why am I here?

I search for the answers and my mind is restless. If I just open one more app — perhaps the WSJ? Something that can answer the burning questions of this modern world? Or what was that thing I saw on Pinterest that will bring order to the chaos? What about that podcast with the enlightened guest whose words will surely let the light shine through? Just a little bit more information is all I need… I’m so close now.

I turn to my calendar — one work meeting after the next. My day, my life, carved up into little bins. But I focus and find redemption in the craft.

I’m interrupted by my children with their grounding laughter and joyful dispositions. They climb into my arms and I’m reminded that this is a wonderful life.

Then the laughter turns to tears and the baby latches and in that moment sweet relief washes over us both. Is this my purpose?

It’s no matter, either way.

Outside, the world rages but I have no use for religion or politics. I recognize my leverage is here, within the four walls of my home.

Anyway, I know how it ends, we’ve seen it all before. It’s a closed-loop system unless you can make it beyond the event horizon.

Now Dustin is in the yard with the children, preparing the garden beds for our summer planting season. We’ll share our harvest with the bunnies, chipmunks and raccoons that live in the burrows.

I encounter it like a novelty but I know deep down I’m not learning, I’m recollecting.

I wonder, what would it be like to accept life as it is in this very moment? This miraculous moment. What would it be like to live in a state of grace?

To this, I aspire.